


Coward

by NaGaKi108



Category: Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Background Relationships, Gen, Human AU, Hurt/No Comfort, Jealousy, Roman angst, background analogicality, one sided feelings, poly roman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 14:57:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11083977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaGaKi108/pseuds/NaGaKi108
Summary: For now he was going to be a coward. He was going to hide, even if his heart was bleeding, even if his very being was begging him to tell them.He was a coward after all





	Coward

**Author's Note:**

> in which i keep adding to the Roman angst train, and also i project everything in the characters that, surprisingly, most resemble me

Roman stared at his reflection in the mirror. He hated it, he hated the way he looked, he hated how his smile always crocked slightly to one side, how his eyes were a dark brown, hated the fact that he had to try so hard to  get his hair to be soft. There wasn’t a single thing in him that was worth appreciating.

He covered the mirror back with the sheet and messed up his hair. He had to put the front back on, put again the happy mask. He simply couldn’t allow the others to know what he felt.

It all started because he hadn’t jumped at the chance he had. He had just stared from afar, only offering a few hints of his real feelings. But Logan? Oh no, Logan had analyzed perfectly his chances and had won. The worst part was that the teacher _wasn’t at fault_ , no one knew of Roman’s feelings.

He shook his head, trying to stop the tears from going down his face, and plastered a self-confident smirk. He couldn’t fall down in front of the others, not now, not when he had finally accepted he was a coward.

“Hey Princey”

“Hello Sunshine, didn’t saw you there”

“Eh, it happens. Come sit with me”

Roman shrugged, crushing the hopeful feeling in his chest. He was used to this, used to cuddling up with the others or being used as a mattress by Patton and Ann. It was normal and it was something Roman was going to allow himself to enjoy, especially because this would be the last time he would have that contact.

“Oh yeah, I’m going to my parents place later“

“Are you staying the night?“

“Yeah I’m probably staying for a while, mom needs a hand“

Roman nodded, this was also normal. The rest of the day went by like it always did. He spent the day cuddling Ann, getting randomly tackle-hugged by Patton, sharing a small smirk with Logan, reminding the others that food, water and meds were a necessary thing ~~(who cared that he went hours or days without food? It wasn’t important even if it made him a hypocrite)~~ , and reminding them to sleep if they were tired.

And the worst was that during the whole day those three were always together; always sharing small kisses and soft words. Things that Roman never got, things he had to stare with a fake smile and forced him to hide his feelings as best as possible.

Once dinner was over and all the others had rested enough Roman sighed. He had to do it now or he wouldn’t be able to do it and he’ll regret it. He approached Logan with hesitant steps and called his attention, with a head movement he mentioned the kitchen and Logan nodded.

Roman was nervous, he actually liked Logan as a person and he didn’t wanted to cause problems to anyone, but this was necessary. He had to, for himself.

“Is something the matter Roman?”

“I…” Roman sighed, trying to find strength in the floor “I’ll be leaving the apartment. It’s nothing to worry about, and maybe I’ll be back. But… I thought you should know”

“That’s okay, but I must ask. Are you okay?”

“I’m just being stupid” He shrugged; he knew pretty well his feelings had no base “I do not wish to worry thought, so maybe keep this a secret from Ann and Patton?”

“Well, I must say they will worry no matter what”

“Point, but if it takes them a while to notice I can think of a good excuse”

Logan stared at the younger boy; his usually calculating gaze was now a worried glance. Roman swallowed; he could feel his stomach knotting out of nerves and fear

“If I may, why are you leaving?”

Roman paused, he wasn’t really expecting that question “You must promise Patton and Ann won’t know of my reasons”

“I won’t say anything”

“Very well… It’s because I was too slow. Because I had the chance to be part of a whole and I ruined it… and a better someone took what my brain insist on calling _My Place_ ”

Roman knew the other man was aware of what he was saying; there simply wasn’t a way the other wouldn’t notice. He raised his stare from the floor to look his friend in the eyes and took a shuddering breath, he had to run away. It was the only thing he knew how.

“Keep those two safe, okay? And you too, you are just as important” Logan nodded and extended his hand for a handshake.

The second Roman took the teachers hand Logan pulled him into a hug, Roman tensed a little but after a few seconds melted into the hug, hugging back like the world was destroying itself around him. After a few minutes they pulled back.

“Im… I’m sorry for never noticing Roman. Maybe there’s something we can do?”

“No, I just need to clear my head. Close myself up again”

Logan nodded “If you are sure, then I won’t stop you”

The royal-looking boy left that same night, closing the door to what now used to be his apartment. He still needed to explain everything to the other two, but that could wait. The most important thing right now was giving his resignation letter to his boss and start on his new job.

But irony just loves to laugh, because the one that ended up receiving Romans letter was Patton. Roman cursed under his breath; he had no idea what excuse to use for leaving the apartment, but at least the fact that his new job paid more was a decent excuse to resign from his current job.

“You are resigning? Why?”

“Sorry Pat, I just found a job that pays more”

“Oh… it’s okay! I was just curious since you never mentioned it”

“Apologies” Patton giggled a little and waved the apology away

“I didn’t saw you at breakfast tho!”

“I… I’m no longer living in the apartment. I know it’s sudden, there are just a lot of things going on in my life and brain that I need a space for myself”

“Roman, I’m here for you okay? You can count on me”

“I know, I’m sorry. I just need to close myself off first”

Patton nodded, if that was what his friend needed then he would respect it. They said their goodbyes with a long hug, the last hug Roman allowed himself to enjoy. He inhaled the scent of the other man and sighed, he loved him… he loved him so much it felt like his heart was tearing itself apart.

“I…” He coughed, trying to avoid his voice breaking “I gotta go now; my new boss is waiting on the news”

“Good luck Roman”

With that he left, trying as hard as possible to not look back. He wanted to run back in, to hug Patton, to kiss him, to beg him to leave Logan and please give him a chance but he bit his lips until almost make them bleed and walked away without looking back. This was for his own good and for the good of the ones he loved, he had to do it.

It was almost 3 days letter that Roman got the message he was mostly dreading. He was just lazing around in his house when his phone alerted him of a message, and when Roman stared at the screen he froze. He didn’t had a good enough excuse, oh god what was he going to do?

_(22:38) Ro? I’m back from my parent’s and Lo told me you left?? What?_

**(23:05) ah… yeah. Sorry**

_(23:05) No, its fine just… idk, give a guy some warning?_

**(23:07) I apologize, I didn’t wanted to worry you**

_(23:07)… Ro?_

**(23:07) yes?**

_(23:10) why did you told Logan and not me? I understand he’s the one that pays and all but… but we are really close_

**(23:26) I’m sorry for not telling you I was leaving… and for not explaining the reason. I didn’t wanted you to worry and I forgot to think on the consequences**

_(23:27) its chill, just… will you ever come back?_

**(23:30) I will, I promise**

“Maybe when I stop being a coward” the boy sighed, letting his phone slip out of his hand and into the ground. He stared at the ceiling, the conversation running circles thought his mind.

He had promise he’ll be back, and he will. But not yet, not now, not when he still lacked the right words to explain what he was feeling.

“I’ll be back when I can tell you the full story” But for now, for now he was going to be a coward. He was going to hide, even if his heart was bleeding, even if his very being was begging him to tell them.

He was a coward after all

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on tumblr!  
> https://analogically-prinxiety.tumblr.com


End file.
